Day 14. January 16th, 2012. Acceptance and Torpedoes

Acceptance is not worrying, while living in Rome, about the box of books you mailed to yourself months ago.  It may arrive.  It may not.  I don't think we can take a laissez-faire attitude about our lives.  However, we ought not try to control every thing, especially the other people in our lives.  Somewhere in the middle seems wise.  The two extremes seem selfish.  And, Liz wrote (how did I get so familiar with an absolute stranger?), "Still, when I look at myself in the mirror of the best pizzeria in Naples, I see a bright-eyed, clear-skinned, happy and healthy face.  I haven't seen that on me for a long time."  p 81.

Who of us have seen such a thing in ourselves?  Have I?  Or, do I see a sour, frowny-faced sot, unjoyful and unhappy with his own life - suffering through the best he can, trying to find happiness while wearing special shoes for waiting tables so he doesn't have to take a bunch of Advil before bed so his throbbing knees don't keep him awake - who, has to now get massages because of a jacked-up back and shoulders?  (Hello, run-on sentence.  What was I saying?)

Right here, writing, is where I find my moment of joy and pleasure, albeit laced with self-doubt and judgement.  However, I still find my way here in the mornings . . . most mornings.  Thanks, Liz.  Thanks, God.  This could merely be the beginning. Be careful, my fantastical mind, lest I be lost to daydreaming and silly fantasy, head in the clouds, but feet 10 feet off the ground.  I ought to remember balance.

Having started the blog (finally!) I still think it's stupid, especially my writing.  I have shifted the judgement from the idea of a blog on to my writing of it.  Now, I know where the true fear lies!  But, who am I to question inspiration, an idea that just comes to me?  I guess I have to trust it.  Even if it's a bad idea, who cares?  I still went after it.  I'm trying something, anything.  That's all we can do to effect change in our lives.  Otherwise, we're just sitting around, incessantly complaining that our lives suck.  That's not doing anybody any good.  My sense of adventure is being tickled awake (is that manly?).  I've already embarked on a journey here.  I can't turn back.  I can't stop.  I'll have to see this thing through to the end.  Damn the torpedoes (even the ones I shoot at myself, especially the ones I shoot at myself)! full speed ahead!