I start this, not by a reading from Eat, Pray, Love, but from a TED talk by Brene Brown. She talked about vulnerability and shame. I'm trying to retain this powerful talk that washed over me, moved me. Built is "I'm sorry, I did something bad, wrong." Shame is, "I'm sorry, I AM something bad, I AM something wrong." Shame keeps us from being vulnerable, from being human. It keeps us out of the "arena" (a la Teddy Roosevelt). It keeps us from daring greatly. It dares us to never say the words, "Me too" and, we accept the challenge.
It keeps us men from being sympathetic. We still live under the illusion that we need to be strong, show no emotion, work hard and answer conflict with violence. Like a man said to Brene, "My women would rather see me die on my white horse than watch me fall down . . . the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
Shame keeps me from seeking work as a writer because I don't have a college degree. It keeps me from actively seeking roles I know I could play, or that I'd be "perfect for". It keeps us small. It keeps us from loving our husbands and wives. It keeps us from giving them the full honor and respect we vowed to them on our wedding day.
It keeps us making fun of people, judging them, criticizing them, tearing them down so we don't feel so small, so vulnerable.
She made a point that we believe something which I have, in fact, felt deep down for a very long time: vulnerability = weakness.
Yet, she pointed out that when we see some one bearing their soul, being honest about themselves, being vulnerable, we applaud their bravery.
I, too, have shrunk, kept myself small, too afraid to dare greatly. And, where has it gotten me? What has this kind of behavior gotten you? Ask yourself, "If I dared greatly in whatever I love to do, what would happen?" No, "what are you afraid would happen", but what would actually happen? If you failed, at least you had the courage to try, to dare greatly. And, on your deathbed, you could look back, not with regret, but with the knowledge that, at least, you tried. You honored the life and the love and the courage and the strength that was given you by God and nobody, NOBODY can take that from you. No amount of sarcasm, making fun, criticizing, judging or anything can take that greatness from you.
The cowards scoff and the courageous dare.
All you do when you make fun of people and criticize them is show how frightened you are. What are you so afraid of?
Tagore writes: "Give me the supreme courage to love, this is my prayer - the courage to speak, to do, to suffer at Your will, to leave all things or be left alone. Strengthen me on errands of danger, honor me with pain, and help me climb to that difficult mood that sacrifices daily to you.
"Give me the supreme confidence of love, this is my prayer - the confidence that belongs to life in death, to victory in defeat, to the power hidden in the frailest beauty, to the dignity in pain which accepts hurt but disdains to return it."
"'Same - same,' he (Ketut) said. 'Same in end, so better to be happy on journey.'
"I said, 'So if heaven is love, then hell is . . .'
"'Love, too,' he said. I sat with that one for awhile, trying to make the math work. Ketut laughed again, slapped my knee affectionately with his hand.
"'Always so difficult for young person to understand this!'" p 263
Earlier, she wrote, "Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upwards into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it" p 260
So, shrinking so others won't think I'm a fool will never bring me to happiness. Stepping aside, so as to not impede and therefor anger the more ambitious and driven will never bring me to happiness. And, using others to gauge my value, my worth, my validity will keep me sad and scared and cowering in the corner, while God wonders what I've done with the gifts he's given me.
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