I thought it ironic that I was at a meditation workshop on one of the biggest drinking days of the year.
"I can barely sleep at all this night . . . I doze a bit, then wake as the sun comes up, just as I'm accustomed to. Only this morning I am not rested and I am not at peace and I'm in no condition for meditation. Why am I so agitated? I had a nice night, didn't I? I got to meet some interesting people, got to dress up and dance around, had flirted with some interesting men . . ." p 269
The exact same thing happened to me, except for the nice night, interesting people, dancing around and interesting men part. I couldn't sleep last night. In fact, when I did, I had night mares. I woke up a wreck, mentally exhausted, but unable to sleep. I dozed awhile after my fiancee and her brides maids went shopping.
I, too, was in no condition for meditation. So, much to my relief and disappointment, I skipped the workshop today. I wasn't interested in five more hours of fighting to stay awake. But, this, of course adds to my feelings of abject failure. If Liz, perhaps, feels like a failure at loving, then I definitely feel like a failure at praying! I've been told on a number of occasions that I set my expectations too high. What? Me? No!
In addition to the feisty red head and the small apartment, there's the dog who is beginning to howl more and more. Maybe, someday, I can find peace in such an environment. But today, my blood is boiling.
Did I take on way too much yesterday? Anyway, I decided to not completely bail on meditation. I went to the writers' space and tried again . . . for five minutes. I pulled out the free hand-out they gave us yesterday that contained the Guru's guide to meditation. I tried to just concentrate for five minutes . . . leaving the proper breathing, the "heart-center" part and the quieting the mind part for later. It didn't go too badly. I used a coin commemorating my 3 year anniversary. That definitely has cosmic/spiritual/miraculous aspects to it. Even though thoughts flitted here and there, I was able to stay focused for most of the five minutes. And, that was encouraging.
AND, I didn't get a headache. Even more encouraging! That means I wasn't focusing form the intellectual mind. Maybe, the concentrations was coming from me heart center up through my third eye without me even knowing it (having forgotten to focus on it like I was supposed to).
Maybe the battle at the workshop was because I was reaching farther than I was able. I guess I'm at the VERY beginning. I'll start there. And, screw it! I drank coffee. A radical change in practice and habit may have thrown me anyway. Why make it any harder on myself at the beginning the necessary?
It reminds me of when I had a few months sober. I told a friend of mine that I was thinking of giving up coca-cola because it was making me fat. He told me to work on getting sober first. So, I'm trying to learn how to enter the void without even learning how to concentrate first. So, this is my first step on the road to meditation. And, perhaps, I can bring God in for help. Duh! I'm trying to open a channel to God under my own strength and will power. More irony.
So, what felt like utter defeat and abject failure, now feels like a little victory. I made a small start. It's not like raising $18,000 to by Wayan a home of her own (p. 274) but a victory none-the-less.
Perhaps, God humbled me, showed me where I ought to be, what I'm really ready for. Perhaps, I needed to be shown how overwhelming it can be so I'd stop trying for the whole meditative kit and kaboodle with an untrained and unskilled heart and mind. Being wracked with poor sleep, achy bones and exhaustion, I was kept from going back for yet another spiritual smack down. I could quietly consider that I need to learn how to concentrate first.
I was typing up Day 46 today and I went back to Liz's very first meeting with Ketut. So, in the spirit of going back to the beginning, I re-read the desire she first brought to Ketut: "I want to be with God all the time. But, I don't want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God." p 26-27
I guess that's where I am right now.
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