I've gotten a new job at a restaurant and I'm afraid. It's only part-time. I'm still afraid. Liz's life seems to simple, free, straightforward. I suppose she's not burdened with my kind of insanity. I get a new guy to help - I'm afraid. I get some work thrown my way - I'm afraid. I don't have any money - I'm afraid (well, that's a reasonable fear). I'm sick of all this fear!
I've learned that fear is a lack of faith. Yet, I seem no less afraid than when I was still drinking. It just goes to show that a simple cessation of drinking coupled with a little "straightening up and flying right" isn't enough.
Funny, God is giving me gifts and I'm afraid of them - like how I was afraid to jump into the pool for the first time when I was a child, untrusting of the swimming instructor and crying. However, by the time I was in Junior High School, I was competitively swimming; and winning from time to time. Interesting metaphor for my life. For, now I stand at the edge of every swimming pool God leads me too . . . and wail in fear, cling to my fiancee (like my mommy) looking to her for courage, afraid to leap into the pool of life.
What am I afraid of? Looking life a fool, a failure? Am I afraid of people not liking me, getting mad at me? I'm afraid of success, too. Actually, I'm afraid of the responsibility success will bring me. I'm also afraid of what a fool I'll look like trying to achieve success at something I'm not yet good at. I'm afraid of being laughed at or worse, being passed over. I'm afraid of the expectations that follow success. Perhaps, they'll realize I'm a fraud, that I don't have what it takes to run with the "big boys", to swim with the big kids.
So, where does that get me? Too much reliance on all things human. I, as a human and others as humans will let me down. My self-will can only get me so far. God does the rest. So, I get jealous of those who are actually brave enough to try. And, I'm judgemental of myself: "I'm not going to be good enough anyway, so why bother trying."
The effort, as I can recall, wasn't well-applauded when I was growing up. It was the accomplishments. And, second place wasn't good enough. Frustration and disappointment weren't always understood and acknowledged. Fear was never an option. I've come to believe that fear equals weakness.
However, I'm 8 years past the age where I can no longer blame my parents for my problems. I heard the other day that everybody experiences fear. Jeb Corliss (the guy in the wingsuit), I think said this and that the only difference is that he doesn't let fear own him or control him. I guess I do.
Then, I burden my fiancee with it. It sucks the passion and the romance out of our life together. It doesn't allow me to adore her the way Felipe adores Liz - with confidence, with certainty, in an uncomplicated, direct, pure, certain way. Liz is swimming with God and I'm too afraid to jump into his arms.
I have been fired from three restaurants, two in sobriety. One, I quit from in a very ugly way, then sat at the bar and drank (not in sobriety). Perhaps, I'm not thoroughly following God's path. And, no mystical, magical spell reserved for Scott is going to save me. I have to face my fears and trust that God will be right there with me the whole time and he won't let go.
If I went to Bali, it would just be an escape . . . an escape in vain, because there is no escape from fear.
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