I don't know where to start today. My mind is so frazzled by the move, wedding stuff, my fiancee's bad mood. She can get pretty angry when she's frustrated. And, I can get pretty sensitive when I'm sensitive . . . and needy. Yeah, that's right. Dude's get needy, too.
I guess I'll start my writing about something I found in one of my morning meditation books: "You're so omnipotent [God], you take care of it. He did. I began to receive answers to my deepest problems, sometimes at the most unusual times."
Then, I turn to Tagore's Prayer Book:
"Stand in my lonely evening when my heart watches alone;
fill her cup of solitude and let me feel in myself the infinity of your love (I made it bold because those words have "with a little pin bore[d] through [my ego's] castle wall, and . . ." - Richard II)
Then, there's Richard from Texas, who talks about the ego: "Your ego's job isn't to serve you. It's only job is to keep itself in power." (A spiritual guide of mine once told me, 'your ego is not you amigo') "And right now, your ego's scared to death 'cuz it's about to get downsized. You keep up this spiritual path, baby, and that bad boy's days are numbered." (I guess if I keep up my spiritual path, my ego's days are numbered, too!) "Pretty son your ego will be out of work, and your heart'll be making all the decisions. So, your ego's fighting for it's life, playing with your mind, trying to assert its authority, trying to keep you cornered off in a holding pen away from the rest of the universe. Don't listen to it." p. 140 (". . . good bye, [ego]" - Richard II)
Later, he says, "Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with, something healthier."
"Like what?" Liz asks.
"Like love, Groceries. Like pure, divine love." p. 141
Earlier, Richard had talked about prayer and being careful what you ask for. He had prayed to God for an open heart. God gave him open heart surgery. After that, he asked God to be gentle with him.
So, everything I've read today seems to somehow tie together, but I can't quite make the connection.
Let me go back to the conflict with my fiancee. Some one pointed out to me that by engaging in fights with her, I'm giving my power away. For example, she snaps at me about something. I snap back. Now, we're engaged in bickering. I'm still making sense of it. In the meantime, I can ask God to "take care of it" and to hold me in and teach me the "infinity of [His] love". I can ask Him to help me not give my power away and then let him decide how that will manifest itself. I can ask him to clearly show me what giving power away looks like in my life and then help me to clearly see it in the moment (as heated as it can get). Then, I can ask to be shown the right action to take.
I, obviously, can't figure this out on my own. That's why I'm so befuddled. And, when my ego steps in and gets all reactionary it makes things worse. Fights get worse. Then, it becomes about defending the ego instead of solving the problem or finding a common solution. Now, I see how Richard's advice is helpful and applicable to my life. Letting my ego run the show will cause nothing but problems. This is where I need to turn to God and His infinite, pure, divine love, remembering that I'm only asked to seek God. I'm never asked to find Him.
I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day. We were talking about what happens after we get sober. We both crave a sense of purpose. He wants to be a stand-up comedian. I want to be a writer. All I could encourage him to do is was what I was encouraged to do: something, one little thing, every day towards your goal. That got passed on to me from another friend, who got it passed on to her. And, I guess, tracing it all the way back, that kind of love really just comes from God. All we can do is share it. All we can do is carry out the divine inspiration in our own lives then pass on what we've learned to others.
We ought to be the messengers of hope and change. Let our own lights shine so that others may have the courage to shine theirs', (borrowed from Marianne Williamson) to make manifest the Glory of God that is within them. And, then, we can be agents of change, positive change. We can be agents of humble growth. That's the way we can better the world, one generous act of love and kindness at a time.
Pointing out what's wrong with the world is easy and alluring. It feeds our need to feel superior. But instead of being the critic, be "the man in the arena" (Teddy Roosevelt). Effect change in the world. But, do it with love. When we lead with anger and fear, well, that's when the bad things happen. When people lead with love, that's when good things happen. We live in an age of miracles.
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