"I was doing something I'd never done before. A small thing, granted, but how often do I get to say that? And what will I be able to do tomorrow that I cannot yet do today?" p. 174
Liz is doing Vipassana meditation, in the evening . . . with mosquitoes. She says to herself, "this is a bad time of day to practice Vipassana meditation." But, she argues, "when is it a good time of day or life to sit in detached stillness? When isn't there something buzzing about, trying to distract you and get a rise out of you?" She goes on to consider, "If I could sit through this nonlethal physical discomfort, what other discomforts might I someday be able to sit through?" p. 174
What are my discomforts right now? My financial burden is one. I didn't prepare to be unemployed. I let the bills pile up and fees accrue, just waiting for the money to come in. Worrying and kicking myself are in full force. At the same time, I feel a small sense of joy. I'm happy when I write. I can welcome that happiness and I can welcome my insecurity, fear, feelings of inadequacy, because both are just feelings. And, feelings are temporary. Like Liz writes, ". . . grief and nuisance are inevitable in life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomfortable and lovely) does eventually pass." p. 173.
This is quite similar to that which was taught to me: "This, too, shall pass."
What I'm getting from all this is that if we welcome the painful, the uncomfortable, the inconvenient, the grievous and the troublesome and not constantly chase the lovely, the blissful, the joyous, the fun, the exciting, the pleasurable, we will be slave to none of those feelings. We will be free. Like the 20 mosquito bites, where Liz "allowed the pain to lose its specific associations and became pure sensation - neither good nor bad, just intense", it's our association to our experience, our perception of our experiences, good or bad, which cause to either cling to or run away from.
But, like my spiritual adviser and the Toaists say, "It's all good." It's all part of life. So, I can run away from my financial responsibilities or I can learn from my mistakes and try to deal accordingly. In the meantime, I have to be careful not to be financially irresponsible, using "spiritual detachment" as my excuse for not paying my bills as well as be careful not to chase financial superiority. Perhaps I ought to look further into how much undue pain and nuisance I'm causing myself. It's one thing to endure the natural nuisances of life, it's another thing to cause them yourself. Does the guilt for my financial mistakes help me? No. Does repeatedly making the same financial mistakes help me? No.
While both Liz and I are physically free from a past life (Me: The Steakhouse. Her: Relationships) we still have ourselves to contend with. And, we still have ourselves to be freed from. The other thing we have in common is that, despite where we are in the world, where our life has taken us and what we're worrying about at this very moment, we don't know what's going to happen next. Hell, that's what we all have in common. None of know what's going to happen, despite how much we plan and prepare. Another thing we have in common is that she and I have trouble living in the moment. We regret the past and think too much about the future. We're not yet able to simply enjoy the moment, welcome it, accept it and experience it.
Some day, I'm sure I will learn to just let my mind go where it will, welcome the wandering with loving kindness and then, move on. What will I be able to do tomorrow that I cannot do today?
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