God answered my petition from January 5th. I was "let go" from my job yesterday afternoon. God answered my petition, just not the way I had planned it (or at least not in a way I was comfortable with). The seeming randomness of it, the way the dismissal seemed to happen out of the blue, the way they had no reason for dismissing me, leads me to believe (and I can't help but believe) that God did this.
I can't help but think, "why me? Other people weren't happy there. I do a better job than others." They may not have had an answer for that. The general manager simply said that she felt it was time for me to move on. And, nobody can explain that or accept that except for those who have faith in a higher power.
I can't help but feel like I've lost, or failed, or failed to measure up. My morbid thoughts wonder if God is going to take my fiancee next. The fear and the pain which those thoughts cause, the heart and the soul sickness . . . I try not to stay there too long.
In tracking the confluence of seemingly tragic or hardship-causing events over the last month and a half (the miscarriage, my giving notice to my room mate too soon, the inability of my fiancee and I to find a suitable apartment, and now this) I can't help but sense that God has had something else in mind all along. Perhaps he is telling us "not yet". "Not yet" for a child because Scott is about to get fired and you won't have the income right now to support a child (Plus, you're planning a wedding, for crying out loud). "Not yet" for a new apartment because, again, Scott is about to get fired and you won't be able to afford it. And, the job? Well, perhaps God is telling me I've given it my best shot. I did the best I could in a miserable situation. Perhaps God has had something else in mind for me all along. He couldn't make a writer out of me if I hadn't started writing.
Of course, I can't guess to know the mind of God. Who am I to do so? However, He did bless us with a $5,000 + settlement from a lawsuit from a previous employer. Maybe, He planned it for February so I couldn't use the money to get an apartment we later couldn't afford. Maybe, He knows I'm going to be out of work for awhile and we'll need this cushion later. Maybe, God wants us to just focus on the wedding. Again, I can't know the mind of God, but I think I can see the pieces being put into place. Perhaps, I'm seeing the clues, the omens. I need not fight, or worry, or scramble. However, I do need to keep writing.
Liz talks about gratitude. During Luca Spaghetti's American Thanksgiving-style birthday party, they went around the dinner table to give thanks.
So, in a moment of calamity, I can find serenity through gratitude. For, even though I can't see it right now, this thing is a gift. A former co-worker of mine who is also a photographer said he was envious of me. He is just as miserable as I was. But, he's trapped. They won't fire him and he won't quit.
I feel right now that I've jumped out of an airplane (or I've been pushed out) with no skydiving training at all. And, God is the tandem instructor strapped to my back, though I don't feel him there. I don't feel like God is that close to me right now. And, I'm free-falling.
"When do I open the chute?" I scream.
"I'll let you know," God replies gently.
"Where is the rip-chord, for that matter?!" I scream again as I grope about in panic.
"I'll let you know," He replies kindly.
"What happens next?"
"I'll let you know."
"Well, what do I do now?!"
"Enjoy the view."
"Mother Fucker! Ahhhhhh!"
"I know," says God. "I know."
Tagore writes:
"I know that the flowers that fade in the dawn,
the streams that strayed in the desert, are not altogether lost.
I know that whatever lags behind, in this life
laden with slowness, is not altogether lost.
I know that my dreams are still unfulfilled, and my melodies still unstruck, are
clinging to Your lute strings, and they are not altogether lost."
It gave me a little comfort to read this. Everything is not lost.
However, my thoughts turn again towards morbidity; that God will take my fiancee next. In this darkness, he seems to be slowly picking things off: a child, an apartment, a job. What's next?
Of course, I'm looking at this all wrong. Only an alcoholic would look for a curse in the face of a blessing. But, I can't help fear that.
I petitioned God and he answered my request, however, not in the way I wanted (how arrogant of me). But, what if this was my opportunity to write? What would I do to become a professional writer? Well, I'd write. A lot. Friends have been offering suggestions about workshops and contests. All I can do is follow those leads.
God will provide. I must keep the faith. The fears will come and the fears will go. I ought to love my fiancee, then; love her generously, like she was going to be taken away. But, who wants to live in fear? I lived in fear at the restaurant and that sucked. I can keep trying to build and improve my relationship with her until the fear and the pride and the stupid, stupid ego goes away.
And, when I wake up tomorrow, I can ask myself again, "What would you like to do today, Scott?"
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