Today, I'm just writing for myself. I left all my books and notes back at the writing space. I can only get in during certain hours, this hour not being one of them. So, today's writing is just for me. "What would you like to do today, Scott?"
At first, I was aggravated and frustrated that I couldn't work on this blog (the thing I was just second-guessing yesterday. How fickle!) Angry and dejected, I thought I'd just stay home and do the mound of dirty dishes that had piled up (and, probably, feel sorry for myself). Then, it hit me. I could still go to the library, my old friend the clock-tower library and write. In answer to the previous question is, "I want to write for myself today". I can clear my head, express more fears, or wander along some imaginative tangent until my pages are full. If nothing else, I can do what a writer friend of mine suggested. I can do one thing. I can do one little thing today towards my art.
Today, I got an e-mail inviting writers to submit the writing space's monthly newsletter. I got another e-mail inviting members to participate in their monthly reading series. Eep! I'm not ready for that, yet. Just yesterday, I was writing about how I felt that I was wondering aimlessly. And, here are two "omens" for me to follow and see where they lead.
However, in the face of opportunity, I'm hesitating, unsure what to do. To a sane person, the choice is obvious. For me, I want to turn to my fiancee for guidance and affirmation. But, then I remember I'm a grown man! If I want to write something for the newsletter, then do it! I don't have to submit something right away for the reading series. I can just go and listen. The uncertainty, the hesitancy is actually doubt whether it would be a good idea to write an article for the newsletter or attend the reading. Moreover, it's about whether people will like what I've written and, more important, whether I deserve to submit. Am I professional enough? Am I cool enough? Do I fit in? Do I belong here? Have I earned my place?
I'm asking all the wrong questions. Pride is stepping in and screwing up my perception. It all comes down to, "Am I good enough" and "am I good enough" is really starting to sound like a silly and annoying question. Of course I'm good enough! I'm here, in this world, on this planet, aren't I? I'm a child of God, aren't I? I deserve to be here answering a calling as much as any man. Right here, right now, is 38 years in the making. Anything other issue is just petty.
And, at the end of it all, if I've given it my best shot, I can look back and say that at least I tried. I'll have taken advantage of every opportunity God has given me. I'll have followed his guide posts to the best of my ability as I told him I would.
I made a promise to God. He is fulfilling his end of the bargain. It's time to be a man of my word. The prospect of having to actually put myself out there is profoundly intimidating. I never imagined something would actually happen. I honestly thought I would put it out there and maybe someday, my hopes and dreams would slowly, ever so slowly unfold without me noticing. And, I certainly didn't think it would happen so fast.
Like Richard from Texas said, "be careful what you ask for, Groceries." I may have misquoted him. But, my God! It's actually happening. My life is happening. Be gentle, God!
Don't listen to the judgement. Listen to God. He has seen me through a lot of things. He can see me through this. The "funny" ideas are going to keep coming. The opportunities, ever increasing in size and might, will keep coming. Be kind to yourself. God is telling me what to do right now. I ought to do it . . . with love. Remember that: With Love.
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