Day 43. March 3rd, 2012 Out of India

Last night in India.  Last night at the Ashram.

I don't say, "last night of praying", because I can't imagine the praying will ever stop.

Liz writes, ". . . something in me wants to stay awake for the last hours at the Ashram."  (She decides to stay up all night in order to catch her flight to Indonesia at 4 am.)  "There are many things in my life that I've stayed up all night to do - to make love, to argue with some one, to drive long distances, to dance, to cry, to worry (and sometimes all those things, in fact, in the course of one night) - but I've never sacrificed sleep for a night of exclusive prayer.  Why not now?"  p. 209

It's amazing, the amount of time we spend in relentless pursuit of self:  our idea of perfection.  The pursuit for the sex (the right amount or the ideal quality), for money, for power and subdivisions of these things.  But, we give only our spare time to Him which gives us freedom, to Him who gives us peace, serenity, joy, love . . . Him, who is perfection.  We get complacent and lazy. 

I can think of many nights I've spent the way Liz describes it, in pursuit of earthly gains:  perfect sex, a perfect party, a perfect victory in an argument, or a perfect romantic, dramatic, melancholy story-book moment with a woman.  Were not all those moments spent, in the end, to take, to get, to receive . . . never to give wholly of myself in love and kindness?

Right now, my meditation is still slushy and sluggish.  I feel a shift has happened.  Not a good one.  As this deluge of a new story has filled me up and as I try to purge this story from my creative center, my ship has spilled off course.  The great weight of this new idea has, like shifted ballast, pulled me off course.  It's like a new cargo of gold that I've not yet learned to properly stow and care for.  And, while I focus all my energy in collecting and recording the new treasure, I've not been tending to my sails, which have been left flapping in God's trade winds.  I'm starting to turn into the tide and, like a great, fat, hulk of a lazy barge, sag in the water - the tide spilling over my decks, rocking my unfastened cargo from side to side in my head, the winds blowing across my bow until I'm lost, in still stagnant, murky waters.  (Have I properly beaten that metaphor to death?)

I've forgotten all about the meditation festival.  (Thanks for the gift, God!  Now where did I put it?)  It's coming up.  Ive lost focus.  I've lost gratitude for the Grace that has brought me this far.  How easily this seems to have happened.  I'll save you, the reader, the onslaught of self-flagellation.

I'm 2/3 way through Eat, Pray, Love and this blog.  This is about where, in times past, I'd lose interest, distracted by another project.  Here's where I'd be challenged and decide that continuing would just be too hard!  I'd, then, numb my disappointment in myself with a sour grapes attitude or throwing myself even harder into the next project convincing myself that "this time will be different!"

I have a way of not finishing what I've started, of not seeing something all the way through until the end.  And, that's been a problem for me . . . a big problem.  So, here's my chance to change.  Here's my chance to break the pattern, to finish that which has kick-started this new era in my life!

God help me change!  Help me with the discipline.  Guide me through until the end.  Otherwise, I'll jump around from one thing to the other, leaving, in my wild wake, a mashed, crooked and winding trail of incompletes . . . and that would be of no use to anyone.  Help me break the cycle of unfinished project.  I need your clear sight and vision, so I can keep sailing forward, not in circles in my own stagnant pond of selfish creativity.

I must redouble my efforts.  I must meet God half way.  Liz is 2/3 way through her journey.  Mine feels like it's just begun almost sunk by, well, me.  I'm going to the Actors Fund on Monday to try to find some work through their resources.  I've got to do something.  Complaining about my financial situation doesn't pay very well.

My ship is getting bigger, fuller.  I must maintain the order and discipline of my crew if I'm going to navigate this new waters!  (I think I've just beat a dead metaphor)